What if I spent my entire life making and perfecting a plan that will never play out?
These past few weeks, every plan that I thought I had all figured out has crumbled to the ground; leaving me with nothing to do but cry, be hesitant, and over-filled with joy.
Tuesday night at Carol’s Bible study, we talked about Sarah (wife of Abraham). We discussed how her character traits were a lot like the character traits we ourselves display. The ones we don’t like to admit, the ones we deny when people point them out it in us. But even though it seemed like there were more negative traits than positive, there was one train in which I wish I had a lot more of in my life: her abiding faith. She had the utmost reason to doubt that God would provide her with what He promised her and Abraham, a child. But in moment I would doubt, she continued to be faithful, though not always patient. The God, who performed miracles in the lives of other’s, would also provide a miracle in her life. God’s planned for her wishes and desires to be satisfied, in his time. Sarah was ready to have a child way before she was 90, but that wasn’t the plan God had so carefully planned for her life.
In the midst of all of this, I have come to look at the way I’ve planned my life: I want to finish college, get a job that drags me out of bed, a job that will make my heart ache, yet satisfy the soul. I want a fiance to take “best-friend” engagement pictures with, who then will become the husband that I can confide in, encourage, and have the time of my life with, for the rest of my life. I want kids (4 or 5) who admire me, make messes, teach me to love, hug me, and make me coupon books for free hugs and clean bedrooms. I want family pictures in matching outfits. I want a house with a wrap around porch, white picket fence, and swing set with an attached sandbox in the backyard. I want a hammock in the shade.
And, the part I come to dread the most, what if I’ve planned this life around someone who wants something totally different. My assumptions have made a total fool out of me to think my wants would also be his wants. So, I cry, realizing that the path to get me to where I wanted to be took a turn, and I’m back at the starting line when I thought the race was so close to being over.
This faulty plan has also led me to this realization: What if my wants are not the same wants God has for me in His plan for my life? The plan He promised in Jeremiah 29:11. What if I’ve wasted the last 20 years filling my life with desires that may never flourish because they are the desires I’ve created without considering the wishes God would have for my life?
With confidence I can say that I know, no matter where I end, God will provide for me my own ‘Happy Ever After’, including a husband or not, kids or not, a wrap around porch, swing set, and pond, or not.
I will continue to live a life that I have no control over, that I only have hope in, because God continues to give me a reason to hope.