A few year ago I made a list. A list that has only grown and become more nit picky and increasingly hard to meet, a list of expectations. These expectations weren’t for me. They weren’t for anyone I knew. They were for someone I was wish I’d meet. A list that consist of:
- Seeks out Christ on his own, active in a church
- keeps me accountable
- doesn’t drink alcohol
- doesn’t swear
- doesn’t smoke
- wants kids
- does the dishes with me
- enjoys his job
- sings in the car
- kisses me in front of our kids
- passionate about something
- teaches me things
- bakes cookies with me
- FILLS my car up with gas (A MUST)
- scarps the snow off my car
- does devotions with me every night
- keeps me second to Christ
Then, I decided 40 days ago (not including Sundays) that I was constantly thinking of who could fit this. More importantly, who couldn’t fit this and if I’d be okay with a life of singleness. So, I gave my heart to Christ during this season, to depart from the desires and make me into the person He wanted me to be rather than me hoping people would come in the form I wanted them to come in.
I can’t think of a better way to change over a season of Lent.
With so much of my life wrapped around what I wanted, I don’t know why I never made of list of qualities I should possess to be the kind of wife someone would want. Why didn’t I make a list that looked like:
- keep my husband only 2nd to Christ
- be vulnerable
- pray for him at all times
- encourage him
- be strong when he’s weak
- kiss him every morning
- fight fairly
- get a coffee maker that starts automatically so neither of us have to get up with out it already being made
- and so much more
The true question. Why did I deserve a man that fit out the first list without being a woman that filled out the second. Why did I view myself as some kind of person who was worth another individual willing to change A, B and C about themselves without even looking at my faults and how I could change myself to fit in the picture of someone else’s happily ever after.
If it weren’t for the thoughts that someday I might want to look back and have a really big laugh, i’d shred the list of “thing I want in husband”. But, for now, I’ll keep it tucked away in a box and look more directly at the planks in my own eyes than evaluating the possible specks of dust in the eyes of my brothers in Christ.